


he thinks he'd blow our minds

by lesbianisakeijser



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Canon Trans Character, Internalised Transphobia, Unhealthy Binding Methods, there's a creepy guy following someone here heads up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-07 01:25:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18862906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianisakeijser/pseuds/lesbianisakeijser
Summary: i. david can't bear the thought of staying at one place.ii. david doesn't like it when he's being noticed.iii. david feels like he's a burden.iv. matteo is so sweet and kind, and david doesn't know what to do with that.v. david did not think it would end up like that.+ it's as if life makes sense this time.(or: five times david ran away and one time he didn't need to).





	he thinks he'd blow our minds

_there's a starman waiting in the sky_  
_he'd like to come and meet us,_  
_but he thinks he'd blow our minds_

\- david bowie, "starman"

_**i.**_

david can't bear the thought of staying at one place. his mind is running back and forth, his body unstill, his nerves screaming at him to _get away, get away, hide_ and he doesn't know how to tell them no. so that's what he does. he packs a backpack with the things he cares about the most, all available money he could find and one book, writes a note and gets out silently in the middle of the night. he knows his parents won't come looking for him - they never cared a lot for him anyway, and since he came out it has gotten much worse. and now, with this whole thing going around in school... he better not be there. he better run away. he can't stand the thought of being called a girl anymore, especially not by that terrible name. so he decides that's the right thing to do. so now he's out on the streets with nothing to do, no place to come back to, no possible home. he knew this was going to happen, he knew that the moment he would lock the door he wouldn't be able to get back or regret, and yet - here he is.

the street was empty and dark, and even though he really didn't like being in dark places, he found that strangely comforting. there was no one out at that hour (obviously, he told himself, it's 3 am) and it seemed like even the streetlights were asleep. with his back to his house's door, he decides to go left. he would usually pick right - it's his lucky direction - but it didn't make him feel very lucky lately, so he decided to go left. he went through many places he knew - the kindergarten, the local food store, a gigantic house with a huge porch and garden his mom used to secretly envy and every bus stop he went through on his usual way to school. since he felt like not being near any place he actually knows, he continues walking, fast, leg after leg getting quicker and quicker until he was running, faster and faster, running away from everything he'd ever known because he can't remember these places now, these people, these memories and these old thought and feelings and anything, really, because he starts to be someone new today.

he was panting when he reached a street he did not know.

 

_**ii.**_

david doesn't like it when he's being noticed. he was transparent for a while, moving from one place to another, from one thought to the other. he felt like he can't settle down anywhere - he doesn't know if someone's looking for him, and if they do, he better not let them get him. it's not the rational part of his brain telling him that, but it's the same part that told him he should run away, so he decides to listen to it anyway. yesterday, a girl looked at him in the park he was staying in. he was sitting there and thought he looked normal, but she won't stop looking. he tried to give her a warning look, but she didn't look very impressed. it was as if she knew exactly what's wrong with him - exactly why he's running away, exactly how his last night's sleep went, exactly why his hair is cut unevenly, exactly what kind of life he'd build to himself. he wanted her to look away, wanted _himself_ to look away, but it was like her gaze was holding him in place, not allowing him to break this silent conversation.

she approached him, and he didn't want her to talk to him, so when she sat down he didn't reply. she looked vaguely familiar, probably someone who walks that way a lot and managed to notice a black-wearing, weird-looking boy with a messy haircut and sad eyes. she didn't talk to him eventually and david wasn't sure if he liked that or not. it's like he had two thoughts who tried to coexist - wanting someone to reach out and managing on his own. it happened often lately, having a debate about opening up to other people. he found himself rarely speaking - only to buy some food from the store or when someone asks him how to get somewhere. he misses having a good friend, but again, the last time he had one it didn't really end up being so good. why would he risk trusting someone when there's so much on it? it would be better to close it all out. safer. being able to control your life, knowing exactly what every person knows. taking your words very seriously. with this woman recognizing him, david doesn't feel like it would end well.

he ends up leaving the park at night, taking a bus he did not recognize.

 

_**iii.**_

david feels like he's a burden to laura, and he doesn't know how to make the situation better without talking to her about it. he knows she would tell him she likes being with him and how much she cares about him, but he thinks that's exactly going to be the problem for her later. he's not simple to deal with, and she doesn't really know _him_ \- she only knows his story. and even though his story is a big part of who he is, it's not only that. and he doesn't think she would understand that. so one night, he decided to pack up his backpack quietly and leaves through the door. when he looks at her asleep, her hair all over the pillow and her hand next to her head, he heart aches. so he puts the bag down and silently writes her a note. he sticks it to the front door. _i'm making it too hard for you_. when he goes out the door, he doesn't really feel like it's the right choice - but it's the same voice in his head telling him she'd be secretly relieved. so he starts walking, and doesn't know where.

he ends up on the same bridge she found him on, sleeping on the same bench. he misses the mattress, but it's for a good reason, he says to himself. they both would be happier like that, in the long run. and even if he would go through a hard time - it would make it easier for laura. when he wakes up in the morning, he remembers that his binder is still in the apartment. it's too late to go back, so he gets bandages out of his backpack when he finds free public toilet. it's harder to breathe, but it feels better - more right. when he gets out, he goes through town, alone. he tries not to think of laura, of her smile, of her kind words. of the binder she got him, even though he told her he can manage without it. he knows thinking about her would make him want to come back, but he doesn't do that. after a few days, someone follows him on the street late at night. he's nervous, and runs away. the guy follows him. he ends up running to laura's place, and she locks the door the minute he explains to her what happened.

her presence doesn't threaten him anymore, so he decided to run away to her every time he needs it.

 

_**iv.**_

matteo is so sweet and kind, and david really doens't know what to do with that. he feels like he likes him, and the thought scares him so much he only makes it more obvious. what kind of idiot would agree to whipped cream on a sandwich? and even call that sandwich good? david really doesn't know how to function at that point. especially after matteo started talking about video games, and david allowed himself to talk freely, somehow. _stupid, stupid, why would he listen?_ but he did. and that's another problem david has to deal with right now. he feels like his heart is racing, and it feels so pointless because it's just another boy, another cis teenager laura would give him her look about. there's a part of his brain telling him to take his backpack and coat and leave when matteo tells him he needs to go for a second. and david listens to it - shamefully, angrily, cowardly - and takes his things and carefully closes the door, so matteo wouldn't notice. he's on the streets again.

he doesn't really know where to go, because laura isn't home and he feels like being home alone right now feels wrong. so he goes to the bridge. he likes being there now, it's his safe place after his and laura's home, and he knows every detail about it. he sits in his favorite spot, the quiet one, with the trees around him and the nice sun on his face and the sketchbook in his hands. it's not exactly a warm day, but he likes it outside, and anyway, matteo wouldn't find him here, even if he would try very hard to find him. when it's late enough that he knows laura is home, he closes his sketchbook. he tried to capture the way the sun looks when it sets, but he wasn't very happy with the result, so he would probably move this one drawing somewhere else, less personal. he walks home, and it's not a very long walk, but it makes him think a lot about the way his life changed. he's still scared of many things - almost everything, actually - but he feels settled. like there isn't going to be another bang.

when he gets home he tells laura about matteo, and she tells him he deserves to be happy, too.

 

_**v.**_

david did not think it would end up like that. he feels like he's being stared at, and it wouldn't make any sense to anyone but him because he knows how the beginning of a storm looks like. he's walking around with leonie, and she's talking about nothing interesting, but he's her friend, so he listens. she tells him about something idiotic mr. neuhaus said to sara in class yesterday, and even though he really didn't want to think of him, he laughed and smiled. he caught a glance of matteo, his face going bright the moment they locked eyes, and david feels lightheaded. leonie leaves for class and his phone buzzes. it's a video, and it takes a few seconds to load, and he starts hearing whispers around him. he only watches the first few seconds before realizing what happened. he clenches his grip on his backpack. he barely looks around, but it seems as if everyone is looking at him, judging him, making sure he knows he's not wanted. 

matteo tries to talk to him, but there are way too many thought in his heads and his hearing feels blurred, and without paying any attention he's pushing matteo away and running home. it's friday, laura isn't working, she would be home, she would help him. he tries to stop his brain from yelling all these thoughts, but he can't, and his mind is so full with them he doesn't have any space left for thinking about anything else. _you're worthless, he wouldn't want you now, he hates you, you're a liar, you're a coward, how dare you think everything's going to work out, you were never meant to be happy, you're pointless, you don't deserve him, no one would want to be next to you, you're broken and you can't try to hide it, hate yourself_. when he gets home, he goes straight to his room and laura brings him a cup of water and leaves him alone. he knows he should be alone, let her go one with her life. they end up talking, and he tells her everything.

in the morning, he leaves her a note with an address and an emergency phone number and goes to his grandmother.

 

_**+**_

it's as if life makes sense this time. eating shakshouka for breakfast with his sister and boyfriend - his _boyfriend, matteo_ \- and get the feeling that everything belongs. their house plants, the music laura dances to, matteo's sweet way of eating, the way laura looks at them both, the taste of the food - everything. it's amazing, really, how much he feels like he can finally take a deep breath and let everything that's hard go. his and matteo's legs touch under the table, and he's sure laura can notice this, and he finds out he doesn't really care. yes, he was outed. yes, it's going to be terrible. but matteo next to him after last night made him think everything's going to be okay. especially after what he told him at the pool. matteo really is here, and he's going to stay there for david. he knows it, matteo wouldn't lie to him like that, the boy has been so honest with him ever since the beginning. and there's laura with them, looking at matteo and then at david, smiling and telling with her eyes how much she's proud of them both. this makes david feel like life's finally going to solve itself.

david feels like he can do this, even though he doesn't know exactly what it is that he can to do. he feels ready, calm, safe, in a way, after having everything make so much sense. it's as if his mind is full of the sunset's colour, a soft orange, making him want to close his eyes and breathe and take in everything he now understands the world has to offer. so even when laura talks about school and he feels like the world's going to collapse, he takes a look at matteo and he feels like he could work it out. it's a new feeling, one he hadn't had in weeks, months, years, and he finds himself realizing he might even like it. no one can ever know he likes this feeling - well, it seems like it's okay for matteo and laura to know, even though he wouldn't usually talk to anyone about it. he feels like he's brave enough to face everything, from mr, neuhaus to his classmates to his reflection. when they finish eating, he goes to the bathroom to wash his hands and he doesn't feel like he has to look away from the mirror, even though he knows he can notice everything that requires improvement.

he ends up leaving the bathroom with a smile for the first time in years.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading, i hope you like it! you can find more stuff i wrote on my tumblr, @ schreibnersfriday! it would make my day if you wanted to leave a comment <3


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